So the primaries. Yeah, they're pretty screwy. I've spent probably more time than is healthy following them religiously over the past several months, so here I present you with a one-stop guide to what the fuck is going on. Enjoy!

[Disclaimer: I'm only dealing with the Democratic primaries here, because I don't know as much about the Republican ones. I think they're winner-take-all or something... and McCain is winning right now. And that's about it. So yes, donkey power.]

Once upon a time, about every four years or so, several members from the Democratic party decide that they want to be the next president. "Hell," they say to themselves, "whoever that last bozo was has really screwed things up. I'm clearly the best person to make it all better!" And then everybody looks at them strangely, because they clearly have taken crazy pills to want to take on this sort of responsibility. But what the hell, it's worth a shot, right?